I look back and notice it’s been almost a month since a post, so for those of you that follow along and enjoy what I have to say(if there is anyone) lol, I apologize. I could lie and say I’ve been busy, and I have been on the go for a while, but there’s no excuse for me not blogging. Now that I’ve basically given you all the info about my cancer, sometimes the words just don’t seem to flow the way they used to. I still struggle to let people know exactly how I feel most times. If you see my Facebook or Instagram pictures it all looks good and I’m living a good life. What you don’t see is the when I’m at home or even out travelling when my brain doesn’t seem to work like it used to, I become irritated, short and unpleasant sometimes. I can see myself doing this, but can’t seem to stop it and my family suffers because of my mood. It’s hard to describe, except that something upstairs seems broken sometimes and I don’t know how to repair it. Words are also hard to come by as well some days, and for a guy who likes to be well-read that’s very frustrating, books have become tough to read, my thoughts seem to wander and can’t stay engaged on what’s in front of me and I used to tear through books only a short couple years ago. I think it’s what they call brain fog and it’s real, Tracy sometimes has to call at me 3 or 4 times to get my attention and I know it’s tough on her as well as hard to see this happening to me.
Tomorrow is my now monthly phone call with my phycologist, something I’d never thought I’d ever do in my life. It’s a call I look forward now and when the call is over it’s like a weight lifted off my shoulders, for a while. Every appointment I get new tools to help deal with the anxiety and bouts of depression that come with a palliative diagnosis, it’s tough thing to type. I will also be starting a course for cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT. The hope is to help re-wire or tune-up my brain just so those thoughts of cancer just aren’t so overwhelming and I can’t wait to start.
In the meantime I keep myself busy and am trying to live my best life while my quality of life is still high, so it’s not all bad, besides having to battle fatigue sometimes and upset gut problems I can still get out and do what I love for the most part and we have simplified our lives to help achieve that, but more on that part of my life in the future.
While I write this I’m out west in beautiful Canmore, Alberta the scenery out here definitely helps the mood and the start of Tracy and myself’s new outlook on life. Along with my canoe trips, hikes are added to the list of thing to do, so why not start in one of the world’s best spots to hike? Even out here though, I still become short and moody, it’s time to stop, it only hurts those closest to me. It seems to happen most when I feel like I’m wasting time, I’ve become a little obsessed with trying to fill all my time and I get moody when I’m not getting things done. Relax Steve, tomorrow isn’t your last day, there is many to come and take a breath…..