Laying here late at night, restless, unable to sleep I pull out the laptop and see what comes to mind. Other nights I would mindlessly stare at the TV, usually watching a repeat until boredom puts me to sleep. So, tonight with my earbuds in, Alice in Chains in the background I’ll see what comes to mind. As I listen to the music it brings to mind that music is basically a story, told in some sort of poetry, it can be beautiful, inspiring, uplifting as well as tragic, solemn or upsetting. Music has always played a big part in my life, now I’m not a big concert guy, but when I’m training or running it’s usually accompanied by some very heavy tunes, getting the blood pumping. Then there are other times when I’m just doing say…housework or yard work when slower tunes with meaning pipe into my ears, some even bringing me close to tears. Since given a terminal diagnosis, I sometimes lose track of my thoughts and find myself asking, “What song should be played at my funeral ?”
Now believe me that thought doesn’t surface very often, but when first learning about being sick it was a constant thought that would be hard to shake. I have learned a lot in these three years, the main one being I will be here for much longer than the time I was given, I’m far too stubborn to give in. Having those thoughts though of what the end would look like, shouldn’t be something to be scared of. Everything comes to an end eventually, it’s what done in that short time we are here that matters, spending it with those you love and enjoy the company is important, to often someone leaves our life far too early leaving you thinking if only we had more time. I don’t want that thought to be part of my life ever again if I can help it, trying my best to use my TIME accordingly, being there for someone I care about and needs it. Trying to be the best husband and father I can and not just “being” there, but being present in the moment, something I still work on, using some mindfulness and meditation skills I’m constantly trying to improve. Taking ten minutes out of my day just to sit and be, feeling the air enter and leave my body as I try and quiet the ever spinning mind.
Mirror I stare into the Mirror and I'm not sure who's looking back There's flesh and bone there, but something else The man who gazes back, isn't who he used to be A battle rages inside him, no one can see, it's an invisible war An enemy that appeared slowly, unexpectedly, unwanted Trying to reck havoc, play with emotions, weaken the body Move in methodically and take all it can the host...Me! The steely eyes in the mirror tell a different story He's not the same person people remember, even three short years ago He can't be, there's a battle to fight, one that will last a lifetime My mind has grown strong, fear has disappeared This disease has picked the wrong person Body is strong and resilient, this fight will end one day, on my terms! The Man from three years ago still lingers, but a better one has emerged!
Poetry can be such a powerful way to express thoughts and feelings, it somehow gives me a sense of strength to draw from, it’s amazing. I was going to ask the common statement, ” I hope you all like it?” But I like it, so isn’t that what matters? I love my reader feedback and traffic to the site because of the story, but that’s secondary. I need to be happy with what I’ve written, something I’m learning as a writer/blogger. Once again an honest, raw story about loving fu*king life, isn’t this why we are all here? Hoping our lives can tell an inspiring, human story for as long as they last. Touching someone’s life in a positive and meaningful way.
A little more on Public Speaking
Once again something I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing, let alone find it satisfying to tell a story others can draw from. This weekend June 10th at the Relay for Life in Stratford I will be the Participant of Hope speaker, a major honour that I hope I can deliver on. The event starts at 4pm, with the opening ceremonies at 5:30 when I will take the stage around that time, followed by the P.O.H lap around the track, which will be emotional and full of hope. One other thing about the here to say about speaking is I was just e-mailed the link to the conference I was at, find link here. You’ll have to fast forward to the 2:58 on the link I shared to find my talk, but feel free to back up ten minutes and listen to all the patients story, they are all very unique and moving.
I appreciate any comments left, please subscribe, like and or vote. Cheers, Steve
Cancer Won't Run My Life 