The Loss of a Dear Friend

Hello again everyone, I was looking forward to finishing off the third and final chapter of my fall camping trip and wrapping up with how beneficial it is to my treatment/therapy, but something much, much more important, yet tragic and heartbreaking has happened to our CNETS community and to a loving family that I won’t even pretend to understand their loss. This will be a tough one to get through as I can feel my stomach tighten and eyes tear up at even the thought of writing this. I have considered for a while now if I wanted to write about this, but feel it’s important and my dear friend deserves a post for all the help she not only provided me, but to countless others when hope seemed but a distance reality.

I was about a month into my diagnosis, lost, confused and mostly scared I always had great support at home, but even with that a sense loneliness was still there, an unknown disease with little information. I was watching a live stream on Facebook one Thursday at lunch, it was about the only thing I found to this point that focused solely on this disease and there was about a hundred others watching. I asked a question about diet and support, to which I received some answers about my diet, but being an American feed no real support options. The broadcast was almost over when I received a private message from someone I didn’t know, the name was Vanessa Mann. I almost deleted the message before opening it, as we all know what some of those messages end up being. This one I choose to except, one of the best decisions I ever made! In that message she introduced herself, gave me her diagnosis and introduced me to the CNETS community. I messaged this lady back and forth for the rest of the day and not once did she try to make an excuse to get out of the conversation, she just listened and offered support to a sad and scared man who she had never knew until that day.

I joined the Hamilton area support group, which Vanessa ran and attended almost every meeting we had and made countless new friends, friends that shared the same fears as me. We talked at length about many things, which Vanessa did with anyone who needed an ear to listen and with a kind demeanour always made you feel better and uplifted your spirit, no matter how bad of a day it was. We developed a strong friendship and bond, our lives were similar, about the same age, two kids, and spouses that we’ve been with for a long time. She was one of my cheerleaders when I considered to start writing this blog and encourage me to share, helping make me a better person. Always the first one to like and comment on a post I could count on my friend to have at least one reader.

About a year ago, she let us know that she had some tumour growth and spread, but like always took it in stride and kept that positive outlook we all became used to. I was asked if I’d step in and help co-lead this group, the answer was a no-brainer “Yes”. She underwent different treatments and to her credit seemed to be doing fine, in May I was looking froward to meeting her husband and do some support group leader training at CNETS first conference in three years. When she told me that they would be unable to attend and if I would except an award for her (which was an honour) I knew something more serious was happening. I never saw her in person again, although we had many conversations still and the cancer had changed and become more aggressive. As she underwent chemo, the messages became less frequent, the likes and comments failed to show up on my newest posts, I knew something was very wrong. I talked with others who were close in the group, all sharing the same fear, but respecting her privacy we understood when messages went unanswered.

We were in Tennessee at the start of a vacation walking the strip when Tracy went into a clothing store, in which case I usually wait outside. My phone dinged, it was another close friend from CNETS, check the what’s app Steve, I have a message for you it said. My heart sunk and I didn’t want to check it, I knew what it was about. I have lost many people if my life two Grandfathers and an Aunt to cancer, or related issues. One of my best friends passed thirty years ago in a tragic accident, the hurt is immense and forever lingers in the back of my mind. When I opened up that message, it was like a punch in the gut I had find an empty spot on this bustling street I was on. My friend, mentor and basically kindest human I (we) have ever met and lost her long battle with Neuroendocrine Cancer. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of her family and friends and the loss they now have to deal with, heartbreaking.

The reality hits hard, our group is stunned and also at a loss, I was supposed to be co-lead with her for many years. Now those many years turned into a few months, on our Facebook group we will no longer have that sweet voice of comfort that came from her. All the knowledge and willingness to answer anyones question or to find an answer, someone who would just always listen. We had by all accounts a short friendship, but it felt like a lifetime, almost like a sister ready to give advice whenever needed. No more likes or comments on my posts, inspiration to help keep me going when I felt like quitting this and giving up. As we slowly start to move forward, I will do my best to honour my friend and be there for those of you who now look for support from someone else.

This is a reminder to make sure to live every day to the fullest, it can be stolen at any time. Make time for the people in your life who are important to you, go visit, have a conversation, you’ll never know when it could be the last.

Lastly, be a good human we have tough times right now, be that person who can put a smile on someones face, offer a hand to someone down on their luck. Do what you love to do, I continue on that path, as my friend Vanessa would want that and wish the best to everybody. I think I can speak for everyone at CNETS that she will be extremely missed. If anyone in her family reads my blog my heart goes out to you. I will miss her…..