It’s Tuesday morning here at home in Stratford, Ontario, I’ve been home now for two full days after my latest bowel obstruction attack and been eating better now for about the last twenty four hours. I timidly pulled out the scale about ten minutes ago to check out the damage, I step on and the results flash up at me like a warning sign, 161 lbs. “Shit”, echo’s from the washroom. Upon my exit Tracy asks me if everything is alright? I let her know what my weight is, “You look fine”, she reassures me. Like I said before at 6’3″ my frame is capable of carrying much more weight and with running being my passion, I need some more meat on my bones before I get back to some serious training. With the seemingly decline of Covid worldwide, I’ve started searching for some road races to enter and I’m not the type of guy who enters an event just to complete or say I finished it. I’m there to win! I don’t live with a delusional outlook, I understand that there is a lot of professional runners that I would be very hard pressed to keep up with and with my disease and constant set backs make actually winning a pipe dream. But, there’s always that thought in the back of my head that one day I may just win. Inside of me is a sense of determination, that although sometime waivers, will just never cease to exist. It’s that drive, sometimes stubbornness, that can can make me a little difficult sometimes, just ask Tracy or those closest to me. For example, as I sit here now I’m itching to get out and run. I’ve been told to rest and recover for 5 to 7 days to strengthen back up. I know that I need to take it easy for a bit and with the low residue diet I’m following for a week the first thing I need to do is pack my body full of calories, so there is some gas in the tank. Well, maybe if Tracy isn’t watching I’ll sneak out for a quick 5km, so if you see at the river please don’t rat me out……lol, I promise I’ll be good, babe.
In lite now of having two bowel obstructions in the past three months, my Oncologist has given me a two month medical leave from work. The physical recovery from these attacks take about a week or two to get over, but it’s the emotional and mental toll that it has started to take on me is what keeps nagging. After a little more then a year in and although my disease seems to be stable at the moment, it feels I haven’t had a moment to breath and that the commodity I hold so valuable, TIME, is slipping away and I’ve lost total control of that and that is the thought that keeps me up at night. It’s a super confusing time right now and I’m completely at odds on which direction to take my life and there is no clear answer. One of the main issues is my career, I’m a paid by the hour tradesman and always have been, but now with the knowledge of a terminal diagnosis in my future I often find myself questioning what good am I doing here? These projects I work on, although important to someone and a companies bottom line, really mean nothing to me, I consider myself a professional and will put my best work into it……but, at the end of the day, it’s not that important to me. My job while I take this leave is to find some real meaning….whatever that may be?
There is a lot to take in account for, we sold our family home about 6 months ago and downsized to an apartment in order to try and simplify life and take away the constant upkeep of a big four bedroom house. of coarse now there is still rent to pay and the regular bills that come in that still need to be paid and we didn’t make that much off the house in order to just cruise through life, and all the upcoming travel plans we have. Most importantly now though is the benefits and insurance that come with the safety of a steady full-time job. Tracy, my boys and I still require benefits and sometimes a lot of them and we are for the most part fully covered using mine through work and then there’s life insurance, well where’s that going to come from if I change careers, I’ll never be approved for life insurance ever again. One last thing is, I don’t dislike what I do and honestly like the people I currently work with, so what is a guy to do? I can’t help, but come back to that same question I always find I’m asking myself. Is this what you love to do?????
Before I get to long winded in this post I’ll leave it at that, now that I have some time to reflect I plan to be posting more often. So, if you like what your reading they’ll be more coming your way and more often. I will be doing some fine tuning to my site, so there could be some slight, but positive changes. I will give a kind of routine I get myself into as I ramp back up to running. I’ll get back to my original story, but keep it interesting with my backcountry camping trips, which I will get to next time! And basically just be up front and honest, while I continue to deal with life and this rare disease, Neuroendricine Cancer. Cheers!
By the way, Our fund raiser has started and later this week I will be giving a link out to where you can donate on my behalf, a video will explain it all. LOVE!