I don’t know if it’s just me, but wow I can’t seem to get motivated from anything right now, tired all the time. Now that the New Year is behind us, I’m ready to get back on track and for me that finding a routine to stick to. I don’t make resolutions, they are only there to break and make us feel bad about about ourselves when we don’t stick to them, whether it be eating better, exercising more or any of the million promises people make to themselves as the calendar turns over. I honestly haven’t made a resolution in many years, hell who needs the stress of of a promise made to yourself during this time in our lives. The biggest commitment I feel should be made to myself right now, is just to be happy or find what makes me happy. Adding a resolution in there will only put more stress on an already stressful situation. By the way I’m going to add some calming new pictures I came across from all our travels this year. They may have nothing to do with the blog, but inside each picture is a story itself and brings a sense of calm and beauty to me, and maybe to you as well. And hey, like I said all I want to do find what makes me happy and pictures in time bring that to me. Like a snapshot in our lives, only one you can relive and absorb, stored on a hard drive or sd card forever. Even when you’re gone. Brings me peace.
I think have the battle today, basically staying awake is the diet I need to follow as today is one of my favourite days the 24hr urine collect. Which means staying away from certain foods and I think the one thing I’m craving now, a coffee. Once again a first world problem though, as tomorrow I’ll be able to go back to most the foods I enjoy. Although after the holiday that is one area I have to tighten up a bit. Cancer is known to feed (from some books I’ve read) on certain foods, especially those that cause inflammation i.e. sugar and other processed foods that I try to avoid. Unfortunately with the high cost of food here now in Canada trying to eat extremely healthy has become something of a struggle, fresh food prices in the winter were always high, but this year is on another level, if what your looking for is even there. Once again first world problem, we will get by here and there are those in many parts of the world who will not, man I really need to stop watching the National news in the morning, I’m developing an even more guilty conscious than I had before…. time for some more pictures.
Now there’s that word there in the last paragraph, guilt, I didn’t plan on this post introducing it here, but no time better then the present. It’s a tough emotional that most people deal with, now what do I feel guilty about? Shit, I’m a stage IV cancer patient I shouldn’t feel this way, should I? Well, I do. It was brought up as almost it’s own session during the CBT course I took, I feel guilty because so many others in my shoes feel a lot worse and have a much less quality of life. When your mortality is challenged, I look in the mirror and reflect back on all the shitty things I’ve, and at times I’ve not been a nice person. Now I spent a lot of time trying to forgive myself for all those things in the past that has brought this guilt to the surface, and can’t lie when I think maybe that’s why this disease was given to me. As for the guilt about those who suffer much worse then I do(for now) with this disease is eased by all the positive comments I receive and they all seem to like to the world I’m showing them through my eyes, while I still can.
Of all the emotions that come with dealing with this fear, anger, stress, anxiety, grief while they all play their parts and I do take medication to help deal, I think that sometimes guilt is the one that can keep me up at night. And my goodness Cancer has made me a highly emotional person, in context to what I used to be like. Now with the help of doctors and training courses I have been able to control that or those feeling 100% better than what I could before.
Now as we continue into an uncertain 2022, full of stress and uncertainty, I will continue to reflect on the past in order to make a better more optimistic future. Sometimes the world may seem it’s in chaos and theres no end, but there will be. You just need to prepare yourself for what comes next and how to make that happen. Mine will be downsizing more through this year, Cancer and Covid has shown me all the money in the world and those material things people seek don’t mean shit. Enjoying every moment, however small that moment may be is all I need, well maybe my canoes and camping gear, lol. And to spend time with those you enjoy and love. Tracy and I will prepare this year by finding our tiny home on wheels and making it ours, while of coarse never forgetting the well-being of our two boys. My hope for this year is that everyone can find some peace and happiness.
Now as I have transferred onto LTD, I have an opportunity to be someone of always wanted, do the things I’ve wanted to do. It will take quite a while to sort out exactly what that is, and I hope you come along on that journey. I know it will take me to the rivers and lakes, along with the mountains….I sense a calling now, one that I missed for all those years when I wasn’t paying attention. I think there’s a lot more to most people than what they believe, our fast paced, one direction life doesn’t let you stop, look around and think what more is there for me?
Now I was going to get back into the habits and system I try to implement everyday to try and stay productive(in my mind). We’ll get more into that in the next post or hey we have all year to discuss that. As usual feel free to comment, share and like this post. Thanks for reading, all the best in 2022.
1 thought on “Into the New Year We Go. Make it What you Want”