Health Update, a Mixed bag this Time

On my way to see my Oncologist on Wednesday I always start to go over in my head what the post after will look like, how to start it and the content that I plan to put into it. There’s always a struggle internally as to how much information I’m willing to put forward, the old, very private part of my personality, the pre-cancer Steve always likes to keep everything tucked away, dealing with whatever comes my way on mine own. Meaning a blog like this would never have existed if that Steve had his way and would keep all his thoughts and emotions to myself. Now after years of breaking starting to break that mould, cause trust me a lot of that old self still lingers around and for good reason, he really just wants to protect my old self from any kind of hurt and pain. So, when things don’t go my way my old voice is there as a reminder of what life used to look like, before constant appointments, treatments and scans. A reminder of that is the first thing I see when I pull up close to the hospital and park out front of what once was our family home. For seventeen years this big, old, white sided house was our place of safety, shelter and family, now it’s run down, abandoned and honestly looks like shit, it breaks my heart a little to see all the work put into that place destroyed in less than three years. I have to remind myself it’s no longer mine and to just bring forward all the good memories we had raising our children in that once lively home, also being mindful of mistakes made and stressful times. There cannot be happiness without some form of struggle.

Get to the Results Steve!

During that drive there is always feelings that bubble to the surface fear, worry, stress, but also a sense of calm knowing that I will get some results and whatever it is we’ll deal with it. This drive was a bit tougher than others as our group has lost quite a few members in the last six month, my thoughts wander to their families and the hardships they must endure when a loved one loses the ultimate battle and their voices are no longer amongst us anymore and I can’t help but think about my time left here and the mark I want to put on this life before my time here is also done. The week leading up to the appointment I had this feeling, call it spidey sense, that something would be different, but not necessarily bad or good, just a feeling, one that cannot be put into words.

Entering the cancer clinic we go through the usual pre-appointment check in, weight, height and something I’d describe as a feelings survey. To my surprise I tipped the scale at 188 lbs, a far cry from the usual 175ish I’ve been for the last two years, so I think my at home body weight training is working ( I haven’t had to buy any new pants ), so that was an unexpected positive and a reason why my legs hurt so much more when running. When I finally get to see the Doctor he has some mixed results for me, while some tumors in the liver have shrunk by like a half millimetre, the tumors spread throughout my abdomen seem to being either active, spreading or a little bigger. We actually went and looked at the scans together where I could get a better understanding of what he was talking about. Another thing also was the fact that this scan was done using a new CAT scan machine, which when your talking millimetres of growth or movement could make a difference as well. The lab work also showed a slight uptick in my markers, but still well within a comfortable margin for the disease I have. Nevertheless I knew something was different and I was right, I still feel fine for the most part, tired some days and have had small episodes of flushing, but all pretty minor.

What’s Next?

We both decided to stay the course when it comes to treatment and the be more aware of away further symptoms that may start happening. However further testing is needed, so a Gallium 68 scan will be requested for me, I’ve had one before about three years ago. It is a very high resolution test that will give Dr. Healy an exact extent of the disease and to see if the small amount of let’s call it “the confusing looking mess in my abdomen.” Then from there we’ll have to decide whether to move onto the next stage in treatment, but for the time being I’ll just enjoy the nice weather and continue living, building positive habits and prepare for the upcoming camp/fish season. Using my meditation techniques to help keep stressful thoughts under control and visualize the joy yet to come. Having this slow growing type of cancer, although there’s time, it can easily work it’s way into your mind and consume all thoughts. Mentally it can be a struggle to stay focused and on track, making sure that you have a good support system, close friends and a joy in life is the way to handle this difficult part of the journey. I’m grateful to have all those listed above, having a little shake up also reminds me that I won’t be here forever, none of us will be. So, go and enjoy the day!!!