Breakdown…. The Importance of Mental Health

Here we are again, I’m not living up to my expectations that I place upon myself to keep my content reliable, up-to-date and most important consistent. I’d like to say I have an excuse for it this time and I very well could if I wanted to, but this site is important to me in so many different ways. It’s a way to communicate through writing and reach people out there that may benefit from what I have to say, also the blog has brought out a creative side it me that I never really knew existed. I’d have to say though the most important part for me personally is the profound effect it has on my well-being and mental health and this is something that for some reason I’ve had a struggle with for the past few weeks, so this post will be about that and it’s not an easy subject to write or even talk about, but a very important one.

How did this Happen?

For a while now I’ve felt something off about myself and I couldn’t put my finger on it just going about my routines and trying my best to maintain a mindfulness state, along with an exercise routine. When I google (trust me I don’t use doctor google), “What’s the best thing a patient can do for himself when dealing with any type of stage 4 cancer?” The overwhelming number one response is to have an exercise routine, whatever little bit you can do, do it. Not only does it make the body physically stronger, it also crucial in maintaining strong mental health. When you do exercise it forces you to focus in on the task at hand, creating that mindful zone that I strive to be in, pushing out all worries and stress and quieting that non-stop noise my brain is always creating.

I was up in Algonquin Park starting my second solo trip of the year, the drive up was normal, the paddle in, although into a strong headwind was no different then usual. Making a couple portages in to quieter lakes where I prefer to be all went very smooth, even the bugs for the time of year seemed to be on my side, very minimal. I unloaded my gear and sat on the log seats that many Algonquin sites have from people who have crafted them throughout the years and then it happened, a breakdown. As I write this I’m still not sure why or what caused this seemingly out of the blue, although looking back now the signs were there. A couple weeks leading up to this I found myself procrastinating a lot, not jogging or writing, had a harder time getting out of bed than usual. Looking in the mirror and not understanding who was looking back at me. Even my posts here seem to not interest me, at times feeling empty and lonely, even with a lot of support around me and I’m also the type off guy who isn’t afraid to spend many days alone. I was waiting on scan results (those will come in the next post), spoke with my Psychiatrist just a couple days before I left and told him how I was feeling. By the end of the conversation I felt, better and was sure that a trip to one of my favourite places would put my right back on track.

What on Earth is Happening to Me?

As I sat staring out into this beautiful setting I was in this dark feeling started creeping into my head, yes I was a little worn out and hungry, but I’ve been that way many times when travelling. I pulled out my camera to start filming and this feeling of emptiness, loneliness, sadness and depression just came crashing down on me. All of the feelings over the past four years seem to come to the surface all at once, surprisingly I didn’t panic, what I did was turn on the camera and start talking like someone was there. Shedding more tears in about fifteen minutes than I had in probably a lifetime I was exhausted and still knew I had work to do. I messaged home using a satellite communicator to let them know what was going on and that I had no choice but to stay as it was getting dark. I never really ever had dark thoughts like this before and used whatever will-power I had inside to set up camp, start a fire and cook my dinner, I was exhausted. During my dinner I once again spoke to the camera and it seemed to help, like talking with that third party outsider with no prior knowledge of my problems. Dinner helped and with nobody else on the lake so did screaming at the top of my lungs, letting it all out, but that darkness, although not as prevalent was still there. As light faded I took the canoe out and fished the bay in front of me, trying to be mindful and remembering this is part of my treatment. I messaged home again to say I was alright and safe before I turned in for the night, hoping a good nights sleep would turn the tide.

The Right thing to Do…

What is the right thing to do in this case? Ask yourself that question and it’s not an easy answer. Do I carry on and push through risking a careless maneuver in an unforgiving environment alone or reset head home and get some help and be safe? After waking in the morning, having my typical oatmeal and coffee during a beautiful morning sunrise I had to ask myself this question. I’m an explorer at heart always what is around the next corner and that had made me feel alive for the past years, since discovering this hobby/lifestyle. One to not quit on myself or in any situation is completely foreign to me and knowing I had a long day of travel ahead of me I felt at the time one of the toughest calls I’ve made, looking back I believe I did the right thing. Still not feeling myself and this lingering darkness, even after a surprisingly great sleep I packed my gear and headed back the way I came. Very strong headwinds greeted me on the way out almost as a way of testing my resolve and will, foot to foot and a half breakers stood in my way for six kilometres. Mental health issues can drain you physically and it did take, what I felt every ounce of strength to paddle through it almost like the battle going on between my ears, sometimes telling me to stop fighting it and give up. When I pulled into that wind protected cove at the end of the lake I smiled for the first time in days, maybe out of exhaustion, but a smile nonetheless. A couple short lake hops brought me back to my car where I almost broke down again, I was struggling and it’s a feeling I don’t wish on anyone.

The Aftermath and Healing

When I finally made it home, not gonna lie I was not myself the thoughts in my head were not healthy and I wasn’t nice when those who love me came out to make sure I okay. Distance, angry and basically an asshole is how I acted, there was no excuse for my behaviour. Fortunately my home is full of caring people starting with my wife and knew that the person standing in front of them wasn’t me. Realizing now that mental health issues affect the entire family I’m so very sorry for the way I acted, but I needed help and they were still there. I’m a very fortunate guy! After some talks that I eventually gave into, it’s still difficult and awkward to pull real feeling out of me I know that I had a great support team that would always back me. However, the only way to fix myself starts from inside.

• realizing I had to talk about it with those closest
• focusing on what worked before, jogging and writing
• finding another third party to talk to
• remembering the coping skills I learned during CBT training
• being accountable to myself, allowing myself to be pissed off about having cancer
• being mindful, remembering to enjoy to moment no matter how small it may seem
• stop procrastinating and just go for it
• it’s ok to be sad, but let it go and be happy for what I have.

It’s been two weeks since this went down and I’ve learned a lot about myself realizing the hurt that had been festering inside finally came to the surface and that it’s ok. My own sadness along with the passing of a few in our group and others I follow and talked to online added to all this and created the perfect storm, that was my breakdown. Also the fact I’ve been waiting on scan results and know that I know them I feel more at peace. I started running again and exercising regularly, reading and writing hold meaning again and most of all I feel happy again. Although I know the darkness is there still and always will be, mental health for those with cancer can, if you let it, ruin your life. That being said anyone who is struggling regardless of what life has dealt you try some of my listed tools, but bottom line talk to someone. It can be tough sometimes, but pulling through can put you on a path towards controlling your life and making the most out of it. Speaking of that I have unfinished business up North, life is too short not to do what you truly love. Thank you to my support team, friends, family, and especially to you T. I truly appreciate you.

Thanks for following along subscribe, like and drop me a comment I will hopefully have a few YouTube videos to drop soon and many blogs including my scans results. If you have no one to talk with and your having a tough time, my e-mail is public and I always respond, Love Steve