CHANGE

Over the past couple weeks since my last post I’ve honestly just had a hard time coming up with a topic worth writing about. That or just lacking the motivation to sit and plunk something out. Much has happened in my life over the last while, although certain aspects of this are difficult to talk about and I feel I’m just not ready to share. Changes in life can be exciting, difficult, sad, meaningful and really the list can go on. Honestly I believe change can be a combination of many different emotions at the same time. Trying to manage them all is the tricky part. Change…sometimes is just necessary.

When shit goes down in your life it’s very difficult to control the anger and rage that’s felt. I describe it as having a beast locked away in the pit of your soul. When I was young I was a difficult kid, angry and full of spite. Not always an easy person to get along with, but I was just that a kid. Even as a young man and into adulthood some of that beast would start to surface, home renovations, work problems to name a few, could be triggers. Living with cancer has taught me simple problems, frustrating times can be brushed aside, as I remind myself to be thankful in the moments that I have. Embrace even the challenging times, they will make you a better person. For me…sometimes easier said than done.

With that being said there will always be a piece of that beast that will never be gone, so along with all the other problems in life. Cancer still secretly feeds that beast, full of rage wondering why me? An out of control monster desperately wanting to surface. Unsuspecting change can be a breaking point and man it would feel good to let the beast out!! Unleash all that pent anger, resentment and sometimes hate. Honestly a difficult word for me to use.

However, it will do no good for anyone, especially me. Letting it win will only let down those who have come to known this blogger as he is. Doing my best to better myself everyday, living in the precious moments I have left (which I plan to have many). Trying to turn part of this blog into a book, yes the process has started and after a couple rough months it’s time to push forward. Who know’s what the future will hold for me? Weird? but, it’s time to make that leap into the unknown and see what I can come up with.

On a Positive Note

Last month I was invited to head back to a Pharmaceutical company and give another public talk. It’s funny I’ve done a few of these now and although many people enjoy the talk, I always feel looking back at my presentation I have a hard time watching myself doing this. Although I completely enjoy sharing my story, awkward is the word I would use to describe myself while delivering it. Understanding that you are always your worst critic, I take the compliments, but always look where I can improve. Standing in front of a bunch of people is an empowering feeling, hoping my story can touch at least one person’s life is what I’m after. Making sure you do a good enough job that someone else may find some motivation out of it and invite me back or deliver my journey/story somewhere new entirely is what drives me.

My talks are meant to hopefully get the audience, A- to be invested in my story, B- get them to revaluate the priorities in their own lives, C- are you happy? As these are written down the realization that I need to re-evaluate B and C myself . Honestly the question of, “are you happy?” could change so many times over a lifetime. The answer to myself right now, is yes I’m happy, I’m writing again. It was become such an integral part of my life post cancer that sitting here again after a month brings back that sense of purpose. A weight is starting to lift, the posts will start to flow, life will go on.

As always feel free to drop me comment, subscribe and like. All the support is greatly appreciated! Love, Steve