CHANGE – The Final Chapter

Train your mind to be stronger than your emotions,

or you’ll lose every time.

Everything happens for a reason or that's what we are sometimes told
It isn't easy to hear, even harder to live
After time resolve can be found in those who choose to seek it out
Difficult as it is you have to believe it's for the better
Change is chaos, it turns life upside down
After time you realize purpose and resiliency calms you down
And it's time to start a new book

I know, I know everyone may be getting tired of this “change” theme I’ve carried on with over the last couple posts, this will be the last. This final chapter was a tough and one I wasn’t sure if blogging about it was what I wanted to do. Most of you who read my entries often (you have no idea how much I appreciate that) probably realized there was about a five to six week window of silence. I had been going through some difficult personal stuff and was in no condition to write, accept in my journal. Where those thoughts are mine and mine alone and if you don’t keep one I highly suggest starting. With the new year coming nothing is more therapeutic than getting it all out on paper instead of bundling feelings up inside. It can break even the strongest of us.

Some of you may already know, to others this could come as a shock, but if you read between the lines in my last couple posts it’s there. It’s even tough to type, but my spouse/partner/caregiver or whatever name people give to their better half have parted ways. There I said it. By no means am I looking for sympathy or anything like that, but as I’ve written in the past, this is my life, I’ve opened it to you and always been raw and honest. Whether it’d be great news or bad, I feel an obligation to share as most of you have followed me along since the beginning, so there we go…

What now?

Boy, isn’t that a great question. While it’s been a few months now adjusting to this new life is a work in progress. Those weeks I was gone were spent taming that beast I spoke of in the “CHANGE” post and while it appears to be under control, it’s there. I owe some love to a couple of my closest friends who really helped me out. You know who you are, as I’ve thrown you under the bus a couple time for maybe being “bad” influences in the past. I truly love you guys! Also to a couple who live a good drive away, thank you my friends and I feel the same way.

Now, what do I do? Where do I go from here? While I’m comfortable in my own skin and really have no fear of being alone. By alone I mean single, going to bed by myself. I do know I’m not truly alone my friends have made me well aware of that. At the age of 51 I never pictured myself in this place, but here I am and man what a weird kind of space. I have found my way back to writing and exercising regularly from there I guess we just keep on building. Seeing what the future, yet more importantly also what the present has in store for me.

The stress I had felt starts to fade away for me that’s very necessary to help my cancer at bay, it would feed on those emotions making me an easy meal. Thankfully I have tools to use that I’ve learned over the years to harden my mindset and stick to my rules and habits. Here’s another problem now that it’s time to move on, fu@king cancer and how can you explain that to someone you eventually want to meet? Not only that but, stage IV and hey guess what I may have limited time here? I get it’s pretty early to start thinking of this, but how can you not when it’s in the back of your head.

Here we go as I start a new life, not forgetting who I’ve become and everyone who will be a part of this new story. No more chapters to go as I close this book, put it on the shelf and remember the past is what it is. Not to worry about the future either as you’ll miss moments in each day. I’m in no rush and realize there’s much to do, one thing I know for certain though I don’t always want to go this alone. So, as this book closes a new fresh one with many pages to fill awaits. This blog will continue to chronicle my journey it’s one of the constants in my life a way to connect and listen to those who also need help. I look over my shoulder and spy my other constant companions, my runners. A metaphor maybe? To jog at a consistent pace, as I move into this new space. “CHANGE”, this one anyways has come to an end.

Drop a comment, consider subscribing and like the content if you enjoyed the read. Cheers, Steve