Trying to get a post out a week is tough! I can see why writers take years between books. Content is key and sometimes it’s a struggle to find it. I can beat a topic to death and bore you enough to leave. So, lets see what can I talk about that will keep you engaged. Hmmm I ask myself every single time I sit here, well most times. Health updates are easy. Talking about Mental health; not so much. We’ve done that before here so let’s revisit it.
I can honestly say I’ve probably struggles with anxiety my entire life, but really only became aware after my cancer diagnosis. When it really took off. I hid it in jokes and being a class clown when I was younger. Everyone unaware that I was just a very insecure young boy (man). It made me foolish enough to basically flunk out of school. See I was always smarter than I’d let on. Doing the stupidest shit for show was how I felt it took to fit in. Funny, as I write this I realize there are probably a lot of others exactly like me. I think it’s a Gen X thing.
I did a lot of drinking and partying when in my late teens to early twenties and never had any direction. Didn’t like to follow the rules or listen to those of authority. I thought I knew better, but always deep down there was a voice that kept trying to tell me, “Stephen, there is so much more to you”.”You’re wasting your life and talent and for what?” Now I always kept employed and never let my outside activities affect my work, that I can remember. But, I worked a bunch of different factory jobs for many years. Never a challenge, never reward. Done because it was the easy way. Job, kids, house you need money.
See being stuck in my head limited my view, my potential. My own stress and anxiety stopped me for striving for more. Sure I went back to trade school to upgrade my skills and find more meaningful work. Still though I never pushed myself and even now it is still a struggle not to choose the easy path and sit and wait for things to happen. Cancer started to trigger fresh thoughts giving me a new outlook or mindset. You don’t understand real happiness unless you know the struggle.
A struggle for me was to be raw and real after so many years of wearing that easy going, who cares face. This blog was created for that purpose, so I could openingly struggle. While at the same time achieve a renewed sense of purpose. We all are trying to figure who we are. Combine a terminal diagnosis and turning half century years old and that light bulb above your head starts to flicker. As I write and do other things important to me now in life that light grows stronger and the mental struggle dissipates and the world around me begins to make sense. I find purpose, real purpose and resilience. That, combined with the help of health professional I have for the most part curbed that anxiety. I never want to be rid of it, under control it can be a useful tool.
Oh, this is a big topic and as I write I feel a rush of adrenaline. I never thought of anxiety that way until now! It’s true though, that feeling under control can push me out of my procrastinating ways. It makes me want to continue to be adventurous, disciplined (here’s another topic). That’s the voice saying it’s time to get up and go for that hike, do your daily journal entry and I’ve only scratched the surface now.
Okay, so I have much more to say about that topic. I hope those of you who continue to read feel the same way. There is so much more to you than you think. Stop thinking this is it and start. Start simple a walk in the morning or evening, walking is so underrated for mental clarity. I can’t wait to get back on here again and show more how this can work and what I mean by that. While you’re waiting put some serious thought into your purpose and this purpose is only for you, no one else.
A while back I went on my return to solo canoe trip. Into Algonquin here’s a few pictures, I have some more on SD cards I used for recording. I’m in the middle of editing my adventure, full of struggle and reward. Life at its simplest, if only….
Cancer Won't Run My Life 