Well, here I am three weeks later. So much for the consistency, but to be fair to myself I really haven’t been around much. Back out in the bush is where you would’ve found me over the last three weeks. Kept up journaling for the most part. It’s a different schedule when you live out of a backpack and for the most part dehydrated food. Priorities are much different shelter, fire, food and water are at the very top. Not that I was super remote during these trips, two being in Algonquin Park. Where we saw a lot of people during both. The other was circumnavigating Philip Edward Island (near Killarney). Where we saw many boats and therefore people. Just getting back out there and understanding once again why I do these trips, although none were solo was a big part of this three week journey.
As my life has progressed both personally and medically I have kind of paused the amount I was spending out in nature. Years before that a lot of my spring, summer and fall was spent outdoors and a lot was solo. As everyone already knows my life has changed drastically the last couple of years. Now with everything more settled and in a very good space I remember the parts of my old life that was important to me and for me this took a while. Now 53 starting over with a new partner, still coping with a terminal illness let’s just say takes longer than if I was 25 again. Although everything in life flows pretty seamlessly now. Me, being a creature of habit still, some days I’m blown away by the change occurring in my life in what seems to be a very short 5 plus years. Although change for me is a good thing, it’s just hard to get used to.
Now back to track here. The past three weeks reminded me that although my body is still sore being out in nature is one of the best medicines. It challenges my mind and body and pushes me not be comfortable. Living in the most simplest way can be very difficult some days, but it’s always rewarding when you start to understand what you are capable of. Even in the face of adversity. It reminds me of my battle with cancer, it’s the high, gusty winds with one metre swells in Georgian Bay. When you have to trust your skills and canoe partner and navigate your way to a calm channel and remain calm while doing it. A wrong move could be disastrous. We all made it. With that comes learning about yourself during times of adversity. Either you dump and are forced to attempt to clean up a dangerous mess. Play it safe wait out the storm (wind), but learn nothing about your resolve when things get tough. Or trust those skills and believe that you can make it.
Cancer did the same to me as those type of conditions. It challenged me to be a better person, a more resilient person. I found that playing it safe like I had been for years was not the way I wanted to live anymore. When your mortality is threatened by a disease so well known, Cancer whatever the type. The very word itself scares most to the core, as it did to me. It forced me to take a deep look inside and it still does. When something in my life seems overwhelming I have to remind myself it’s a very small issue in the grand scheme of things. “Fuck, I’m only supposed to live until I’m 60ish,” so let’s not what is a really small issue consume your thoughts. I still need to say this to myself on the regular. However….60, come on, we all know I’ll be sending out inconsistent posts until I’m well into my 80’s.
What Am I Getting At?
Nature at its core is the best way to destress, clear your mind. Yet remind you who’s in charge. Some days will be calm, clear and easy. Others white-knuckling it through big swells and pouring rain. Just as in life when things are easy you have time to refresh and enjoy, but you don’t learn anything about yourself. When things don’t go your way and adversity strikes that’s when you really find out who you are. Are you the whoa me type? Why does this always happen to me? Or will you do something about? Accept the shit, learn from it and move forward. Nobody is coming to save you. Look deep within, you are capable of much more than you believe.
I will start returning to the backcountry more often and solo as well. It is a way of reawaken the soul and remembering a simpler way of life. Although somewhat tired and sore, there’s nothing more thrilling, yet calming than understanding the skills you have developed over the years. I have doubted myself many times in the past and as a human still always will. But, after spending more and more time, some in adverse conditions I know where my second home really is. Laying in a small tent watching the stars light up the night sky or paddling and portaging both in rough and calm conditions. This is where I test myself and heal all at the same time.
