I had planned on getting back on track to my original story, but as I sit here a ponder the week that just was sometimes on here I will just….well…vent. Like I have said before every 3 months since being diagnosed I go through a series of tests and scans and appointments. I promise I will keep this post shorter, but this last week I have had my fill. It starts will the bloodwork a week ago, followed by the 24 hour urine collect on Sunday, I have to follow a fairly strict diet 48 hours before that, getting rid of all foods that contain serotonin, so the Doctor can get an accurate reading of my levels, I’m also off coffee those days, doesn’t seem like much, but when you are already limited with the foods you intake I know I look forward to a good cup of coffee. Monday, after dropping sample at hospital, working all day I head to Cambridge for my cancer treatment, yes the 2 nineteen gauge needles in the behind. After I drive home to Stratford, the next morning I head back to Brantford start the work day, then back to the hospital for my 3 month CT scan with barium and contrast, so that stuff works to give me an upset stomach and it took 2 nurses four attempts to give me an IV. I was not a very happy guy, if you’ve ever seen me I have veins o-plenty so I couldn’t figure out what the problem was? Anyway, I got the scan done, returned to work to finish my shift and then drove home.
That night, Tuesday, had a bite to eat, and after the week I had found myself sound asleep at 8:30, and I never go to bed that early.I think there’s something to be said when your body is full of a fresh dose of octreotide, contrast, barium and oh ya radiation! I wasn’t quite myself for a couple of days and spent last night alone at out trailer, relaxing after work and a quick 9 holes of golf.
As I sit here now, still a little worn down after putting my full shift in again, I’ve returned to thinking what I originally started this blog for, “because I love to write and tell a story”. After a little over a year living with cancer, I’ve found myself slipping back into the same old routine, work, eat, sleep, repeat. I told myself I wouldn’t do that, but how can I not? Shit I need benefits for medicine and insurance, stills have bills to pay, young men that still require help from their parents and the list goes on. I get that feeling of “Stuck”. I don’t get me wrong I don’t hate what I do for a living by any means, but is that how I want to live? I that really how any of us should live? My answer is no, but we are all so programmed as we age to get a job, get a house, pay bills, have kids, have a little fun, retire when life is in it’s twilight and then it’s over. And that’s about it. Tracy and myself will try to find a way to switch things up, why do you have to what you need to do for so long…..if it’s not what you love. Many others I have spoken with that have cancer share the same thoughts and feelings, it switches things around adds a much different prospective, our lives are supposed to cut short, so why wait to do everything you wanted to do, every experience you dreamed off…..why wait, I think it’s because we know there may not be a tomorrow or another 6 months or even if it’s 10 years? Just think off all you could really accomplish, see, hear, smell and taste….I hope for positive results on Monday when I visit the oncologist….I have a lot I want to accomplish before this disease grabs a good hold of me.
Ask yourself what you love to do and go do it, the world needs people who love what they do.
3 thoughts on “Just Tired,”
Steve, you have been so strong in all your writing and what you want to do for others. Now is the time for you to be selfish, with your time & energy. I for one am Glad to hear you venting! Maybe you need to do more of that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can completely relate. In 2009, 6 months post surgery, back in the office tower 62 floors up in the air in downtown Toronto there I sat asking myself what the heck am I doing back in this concrete box doing all the same things I was doing before. I wanted everything to go back to normal so badly but it wasn’t actually possible. Everything started to come together for me when I found CNETS and began volunteering. It opened up an entire new world for me (charitable space). I am sure you will Eventually find something that will bring you to that “place”. It is different for all of us.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jackie, had a good talk with a therapist from the Juravinski hospital today, what a great resource. Time to put even more thought into what is a real priority in life. Writing really help, wish I had more time to do it. I will get there. Thanks for following along,