My Life is Uncertain…..Not Really A Bad Thing?

As you’re reading this post, we should be close to reaching the Florida border if everything has gone well. This is not our first time driving down there from Canada,, but it’s the first time that Tracy and I have gone by ourselves. We have a timeshare down by Disneyland and haven’t been there is about three years, mostly because of Covid-19 keeping the border closed. We are extremely excited about getting back down there again, but with that also come the anxiety of the long drive(we haven’t done in a while) and also the fact that I’m a cancer patient weighs on us. The last thing we want is for me to have a bowel obstruction while south of the border.

But, as I’ve always said this won’t run my life and we”ll he’d down and make the best of our time, I may even put Tracy on a plane at the end of the week and spend some alone time, slowly heading back North and exploring the mountains, hiking trails and some good fishing spots. That will all be last minute decisions and be based on how I feel.

Right now to be honest with you my ass hurts, like a lot. Last night was treatment night and it seems every time now the pain just to seems to get worse and worse. I do drive home after it’s done, but may start bringing someone along with me afterwards, although it doesn’t seem to get real bad until about 3-4 hours after injections. I get sore and tried and really kinda brain foggy, end up in bed usually pretty early and Tracy follows not to shortly after to hit the lights and remove the book from my chest or turn off T.V. I don’t even know why I turn it on? It’s still sore in the morning and today I was slow to rise, but after some food, fresh air and good stretching I start to get my wits about me and even write this.

Tomorrow is already the last day of my CBT coarse, I really can’t believe it has been eight weeks already. I have noticed some of the tools starting to work for me, dealing with the stress and anxiety that comes with having stage IV cancer. It will take me using all these tools moving forward to manage everything that is yet to come whether it’s good or bad in order to keep my life moving ahead. There is no point in looking back, I can’t fix what has already been done.

We’ve heard a lot of talk about a new normal over the past couple years now, for some of us there never will be a normal again and I really don’t know if that’s a bad thing? Normal for a lot of people is what they’re after, a normal and happy life and that’s great. My life will never really be normal again, now I could be sour about that and sit around all day being mad about it. What would that accomplish? And don’t think I’ve had those days, cause I have….

This whole life changing event(s) started now about two years ago and it took me almost that long to understand what this has done to me and will continue to do. I can’t believe it has already been that long since sitting in my surgeons office, hearing her mention that this could possibly be cancer. A lot has changed in that time, including the amount of spread, but for the past months my markers have been stable, so that’s positive. I’m due for a CT scan in the new year and that is the real indicator of how things are really are, it will be almost 6 month’s since my last one and that is by far the longest I have gone between scans.

I try not to think about and live day by day, not an easy task for someone like me who has always liked a routine, schedule…..creature of habit. Right now I’m still trying to remember where we stopped on our last run to Florida. I can’t help that, it’s always been a part of who I am and the safety I feel when I’m certain where we’re going. Well….such as my life is now, uncertain, unknown, I try to embrace those characteristics into my everyday. Doing what makes me feel uncertain….a little unsafe…and open up into a world that is unfamiliar with me. My life, by no fault of my own is not going to follow my original plan. So, why not open up and dive into the unknown……maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for…..maybe you will too….

Changing our thought process is incredibly uncomfortable, I’m still very much a work in progress, but have made small strides. All my new habits are coming along and have have been pretty good, reading, journaling and exercise routines. I will add more, but maybe after our vacation…..

My next post will be coming to you from sunny Florida…..Cheers!

Maybe, just maybe I’ll bring my camping gear……