I’m Back

Well, it’s hard to believe that’s its been almost a month since my last post. I have kind of fell back into some old habits like procrastinating about doing things and before I know it a day, week, then month has gone by. I’ve learned it’s not always easy coming up with fresh, entertaining material to write about and therefore, just don’t write at all. That’s a bad decision on my part.

Given the disease I have now I find it hard to figure out where to take my life next, also being very close to fifty doesn’t make it any easier. One major decision my Doctors and I have made in the past month is that it is best for now that I not return to work and to go off long term. While some may think that this is a no-brainer to do, given I have stage IV cancer (terminal) and maybe a short time to live or not. Leaving work behind was not an easy one, as it was a sense of identity and who I was. A journeyman welder(tradesperson) and not to toot my own horn, a pretty good one. It made me the provider of my family, gave us security and safety knowing I was always going to look after the four of us.

Well now I look back and think, why the hell did I spend all those hours(extra) at work, mind you I never really disliked any of my jobs, but we are so focused on getting the car, then overpaying for a house and all the unnecessary material items we think we need to fill that house and our lives to feel good about our life and to be “successful”. If that’s you take on life, I hope everything works out and your life is full of happiness and joy.

My eyes have been opened ever since becoming sick and I’m slowly figuring out what the words “happy” and “successful” now mean to me and maybe others in my situation and to even those who are healthy and think they have everything thing they need, but still feel empty inside. A year ago we sold our home, at first I was sad and upset, cancer had taken away something that we spent so much time building and repairing to make our own. It had a pool and shop, along with a big yard, It was ours, it was kind of our identity for a long time. But, it was just a building, a source of stress, financial hardship at times and a lot of work! It kept us in one place, always something to do there, I always felt it was hard to get away, money should be spent on the home, not experiences. Those could come later! What if later never comes???? A hard lesson for me to learn, but at lest I have some time to do something about it now.

We also had a second home, trailer, for two years. Although we loved being at the trailer, sometimes it felt like I just had to get there and be there just to make it worthwhile. It was in a great spot, not far from where we live now and I will miss it, like I miss our family home, but like I said it’s just a structure and I don’t need that just to make it feel like I have something. For now we live a nice apartment and you know what? I like it. it gives me the TIME I’m after, I don’t feel tied down to a building anymore and at any time I feel I can close the door, head out and visit those who are important to me and have no worries about material things, that I lose more and more interest in everyday and it makes me feel empowered. Tracy and I have also been deeply researching an even better way to spend the next few years, or even longer, to live the life we are after…..more on that in blog’s to follow.

Bottom line, for this post is that, while I sit here writing this I look around my room and the pictures that hang on the wall or the hundred on my laptop and deeply realize that every one of those bring a smile to my face. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about, pictures of the past and the one’s yet to create in the future that make you feel good inside?

I have vivid memories of the homes I’ve had along my life’s journey and although some of the treatment, tests and scans have started to make some of those foggy. I will always have pictures and videos, so if you see me one day, don’t be surprised if I’m taking some pictures or if I’m out in the backcountry, creating some video, I’m truly doing what brings a smile to my face.

And as I age or when my disease one day starts to strip my of my memory, I will always have something to look back on and be able to hold on to the until the very end…..which is a long way off yet.

I have so much more to say when it comes to topics like this, but will stop rambling for now on this post. I plan on creating some new, better habits as to avoid long hiatuses from writing, I don’t know why I walk by my laptop say 30 times a day only to avoid it? Weird, I guess…well this ends this blog and starts my new habits, that’s two days in a row I’ve sat and written, not only here, but a new journal Tracy bought for me, very thoughtful! Maybe the next post will continue on with some new, productive habits I’ve started. I don’t plan on spending all my time in front of the T.V., boring!

In ending this, this is also my 40th post and if I read stats correctly most people give up on there blog, after a month or so. My stubborn determination does pay off sometimes. Going into winter posts will be twice a week on Monday and Thursday. I hope you keep enjoying this and think about what is really important to you, a big house, nice car or more freedom, time with those you love to be around. Don’t wait until you’re sick…….